EternalxRequiem

First up, family things. Because even if I don't write down exactly what happened word for word and situation by situation there's at least some sort of summary of the nonsense for my sanity. At some point my grandma's friend convinced me to talk to my grandma early last year because she was visiting since her move out west. I was apprehensive, but things are okay there now. Still, its a tentative thing. It won't be how it was before, but things are okayish with her. Boundaries though. I have to remember boundaries with my family. But of course things happened and here I was sucked in. My mom, as usual, set up things to get her way and here we are. She upset my grandma by implying she'd be homeless very quickly, back in... October or November. My grandma, for all her faults, does care about people and she was very upset about the situation with my mom, but doesn't have the money to help her now, especially since my grandpa is gone. She asked if I wanted to know about her and I replied with, "I dunno. Do I?" To which she said, "I don't even want to know." And that is how the door was kicked wide open, my grandma told me what all was happening with my mom and the husband and I ended up having to help my mom when we couldn't afford to. And nearly had to let her move in with us and my grandma pushed hard for that. My mom is literally still a child to this day and I have to parent her more than she parents... any of her children. She took advantage of us tbh and played everyone, like usual. She put us further behind when we had almost just gotten caught up. Ruined my actual christmas in that the husband and I couldn't afford to actually have one because of her on top of just ruining life for us in general. Friends watched like bystanders unable to do anything because.... what could any of us have done? It was just a lesson in learning that I need to firmly close the door on some people. Luckily my grandma's friend stepped in and saw the railroading and shenanigans going on. She was going to handle my grandma and we weren't to let my mom move in until she was getting evicted, which never happened because she found lots of churches and organizations to pay all her past due rent and bills for her. Because of course shitty people get rewarded and people trying to do the right thing and get screwed. Like us scrapping together every last bit of money for my mom's medications etc. Still, I refused to hand her any cash and anything she wanted I went with her and paid for with our debit card or apple pay because fuck her. Also, the husband caught her in some lies and we tried to play this thing out as long as possible to get as much of an idea of the true story as possible. Then for all the helping we did she said she never asked for it and basically she doesn't owe us anything. Despite the fact that if we hadn't put her on our car insurance her license would have been suspended among other shit. No, she just texted my grandma that she'd made arrangements for her dog to stay with a friend and 'she guesses she'll have to go to a homeless shelter" even though that never happened and she was nowhere near it because her landlord took pity on her. *cue eyeroll* Everything was great and fine until she got everything she wanted out of us and then tada shitty mom reappears. I just.... cannot. This was the last time. I told her I wanted her out of my life for good. She screamed at me on the phone and I'd had enough. The husband could hear every word she said clearly and he wasn't even inside the house and I've ever screamed so loud in my life at someone until I couldn't breathe and my lungs hurt, but I refused to be treated like shit by her again. I refused to be made to feel like I did growing up. I refused to just be yelled at again by her and especially this time. I shouldn't have been kind or even bought her heart medications. Like fuck off. And the story will forever be some twisted bullshit she tells people to get sympathy. How awful and horrible I am. This is the last story she gets to weave.

Second: The land Rover lives again! Things are getting better day by day now. It's like our luck and good fortune is tied to that thing, I swear. The husband is in his dream career. All that's left is getting things back in order enough for me to finish my herbalism certification and for us to build the tiny house. 5 year plan.... 10 year plan. The aries moon in me says it all needs to be done tomorrow and the capricorn sun part of me says there's no rush and go slow.

Third: Smoky gave us a scare in earlier in the year. I have amazing tarot clients who banded together and bought readings to help with his vet bills. He was peeing blood and after a couple of vet visits it seems he has FLUTD and his bladder wall becomes inflamed. He has to be on wet food for life and take cosequin for cats, with occasional anti-inflammatory injections when he needs them. At least the bubs is okay.

Fourth: chickens. We have 8 now. After we lost ducky and Linda needed friends I bought 3 chicks but then we needed to buy feed, it was customer appreciation day at the feed store and they had chicks they were giving away for free because there was quite surplus from all the ones that'd been shipped to local feed stores in our area ahead of the hurricane near the end of the season last year. I got 4 chicks for free. So here we are with 8 chickens and the 7 we got in October should start laying this month or next.

Fifth: My poor phone fell in the water bowl and that was the end of it so everything is on hold because I mainly function from my iphone instead of my macbook. This android life is not for me and I just want to replace my iphone like yesterday, but $275 is a lot of money right now and more important things are on the list. Tarot business and such is very much on hold for the most part because of it. I take on a few clients here or there, but that's all currently.

Sixth: I don't like odd numbers so this has to end on a 6th point. I still have no motivation to make any pixel art or art at all for that matter. I'm hoping that after this reiki session I had and my own crystal healing session I did for myself that I get some energy back so I can get to all the things I want to. Still, I don't know that I'll come back to emotes or anything any time soon. For now its photography.

This was mostly just another stream of consciousness and trying to get things out of my brain space. Time for a snuggle with the corgi and meezers.

*NOTE: This is a VERY long post. This post is for me to work some shit out. There will be typos. I'm not re-reading it to fix it all. It took me forever to type out anyway. And to a specific person, you know who you are, if you've read the notes I've sent you this is a more... full version of what's taken place that I ranted about to you. This is more coherent than the notes, but still a mess. This is what happened. Anyway, to anyone reading this it might not seem like she's abusive, but you can ask any of my friends and my husband who watched me suffer through her bullshit the last few years and they will tell you it absolutely is. Sometimes I can't even communicate how awful life has been with her. Continue reading if you want. I'm just working shit out so I can hopefully be less anxious and upset by the time my husband gets home.

So, life has been improving. Minus this Kia giving us trouble. Slowly, but surely things are getting back on track. My spiritual practice (from heathenry to witchcraft to integrating the two) is returning. For a while I abandoned it, not completely, but not actively practicing, because I didn't want to bring negative energy into my space and then life went to shit with the husband losing his job and I had even more energy and anxiety I didn't want gunking up the sacred space going on. Maybe last month is when I felt called to get back to things fully? I dunno.

But here I am with immense anxiety and trying not to avoid my spiritual space. Honestly, that's exactly where I should be going to meditate, to pull some cards, don't speak to the Gods and ask for their help through this. It's where I should be going to recharge, to heal, to rest, to find solace. Except, I'm so goddamn anxious it's to the agitated, lashing out levels.

I had, for all intents and purposes, healed my mind and spirit to the point that every day wasn't consumed with guilt or some sort of self... blaming? I haven't done anything wrong in this whole issue with my family. And more accurately for this instance I should just be saying my grandma. I put a lot on myself. I went through mental hell all of last year and some of this year. But then the universe had its plans to cleanse my life of any and all reminders or attachments to this issue, save for the occasional distant thought about it all. I didn't feel awful. I didn't blame myself. I was getting better. That was until my grandma's friend showed up while we were sleeping and left a note on our door.

Let me just pause and say, what a fucking cowardly thing. I'm over here minding my own damn business and concerning myself with my life and ONLY my life. K thnx. It immediately caused me and my husband a great deal of stress and me anxiety. My husband's coworkers were noticing he was very agitated and aggressive where he normally isn't. He's real chill 100% of the time. It takes A LOT to piss him off or upset him (me? I'm a capricorn with an aries moon. I'll get heated in .2 seconds. So watch yourself.) and get him to the point where its noticeably and he's acting some type of way. I attempted to have talks with my grandma's friend, but she brings up stuff and I'm not just going to let shit slide or not defend myself. You got me fucked up if you think I won't push back. I try to be pleasant and nice. I try to rationally talk about it all like an adult, but I just don't fucking know what it is about me and my voice that people just don't listen and don't care. I'm really a quiet, meek, polite and chill sounding person. I guess one could even say submissive. Although I do have my moments when my anxiety (think scared dog backed into a corner that snarls and tries to bite) overrides everything or I've been pushed too far past being able to reign it in. I guess that has a lot to with why people don't listen to me. It's not until I'm a raging bitch, screaming and yelling, that people shut the fuck up, take notice and listen with their goddamn ears situated on their stupid fucking faces. AND EVEN THEN, they still don't really listen. So I've tried telling my grandma's friend that I'm not bringing up stuff from the past because I'm holding onto it in some way she thinks. Which I'll get to that in a moment. I'm just simply illustrating why I don't believe my grandma is sincere, especially since she couldn't be bothered to even send a letter telling me my grandpa had passed. But ALL of her actions are in conflict with her words. I'm fucking done with it all. I'd made peace with the fact I wouldn't see my grandpa again before he died and maybe, probably, my grandma would haunt me out of spite once she passes (which at this point seems like never). I don't often wish people dead, but goddamnit. Her and my mom. No tears will be shed. If that seems awful to anyone reading this.... try growing up with them. Try dealing with the mental, emotional and physical abuse. Try dealing with the gaslighting and manipulation.

I digress, my grandma's friend and I had tried having conversations and they start out well enough, but end not so great. I don't ever yell, but I do get more aggressive and and it just makes no difference. So for a few weeks, things went silent. I thought about calling, but then I was just over it all. Here I am doing me and you lot bring it all back up. NOT me. I can't even begin to explain anything in a coherent sense. Which is basically how it's been my whole life and that's exactly how it is with narcissistic, abusive people. It's such a massive web of lies, manipulation and bullshit that it's hard to make sense of it or explain it in a way that doesn't make *ME* sound like I'm the one that's batshit. Honestly, my mistake in all of this was not saying no to this whole buying a house with my grandparents (read also: my grandma because my grandpa wasn't really all that here by the beginning of last year and even the year before). Even her friend admits that saying no would have caused a huge fight. So basically, damned if I do, damned if I don't. Fun times.

However this most recent conversation, which, gods I don't know happened yesterday or maybe two days ago. Third shift life warps perception of time, whatever. This most recent conversation with her friend I started of by saying and I fucking quote, "I just want you to know I only brought up any of that stuff that happened to illustrate WHY I don't believe the sincerity of this." Literally that's all that needed to be discussed about the past stuff that HER FRIEND brought up IN THE FIRST PLACE in one of the first conversations. This has been like a two month goddamn ordeal.

But then she proceeded to tell me that I'm holding onto the past, that we all just need to start fresh and if I keep holding onto the past I'm just going to be bitter and miserable like my mother. WELP. I'll give anyone three guess as to what happened next and the first two don't count. I went the fuck off in the most controlled manner I possibly could.

EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU BITCH. I have been living my life and tbh haven't given any of this shit with my grandma two fucks of a second thought. I have been busy living my life. Busy worrying about getting back on track after Valpak made some goddamn shit up to fire my husband because they a) wanted to get rid of third shift (a new company bought valpak if ya don't know now you do) and were systematically firing people and making up bullshit reasons and black balling them all. They did it to my husband's pressman first, then him and are attempting to do it to another person on that crew. b) found out he was planning to take leave to have shoulder surgery and didn't want to have to pay out on that and c) another lead was pissed my husband (the competent fucking person) was going to be promoted over someone he wanted to promote instead. Sorry, I don't have time to worry about my grandma and her bullshit or the past. Let's not forget the husband and I lost 3 pets in 5 months. Sparta's feline asthma finally got to the point where it coudn't be managed and we had to have her humanely put down. Then Binky had a sudden blood clot and the emergency vet advised us to have him put down because it would only get worse and there's currently no way it manage such things in cats at this point in time. My last remaining guinea pig finally passed away the day after we had to have Binky put down. From old age, she lived past her prime, but still. It was a shit time for us. THEN, we ended up with a rescue duck and chicken not too long after all of that because a guy my husband worked with at a temp job foolishly got them for his kids while living in an apartment. So we took them in because he threatened to put them down the next day if we didn't and he knows we live in a rural area so he planned this shit and forced our hand. I'd still take them in again in a heartbeat. But I was not kind to this douche bag of a man. Believe you me on that one.

Furthermore I've been slowly working towards getting my small business up and running proper. I abandoned EVERYTHING to do with it because I didn't have a camera at the time of any sort. I finally have a new iphone without a cracked lens. I let it all go at the time because I KNEW there was no feasible way for me to have a tarot reading, crystal healing, witchy, woo woo small business if I was giving up my entire way of life to do this shit for my grandma. She is not accepting and it'd be world war III if she found out I'm pagan and a witch. Honestly at this point I'm ready to drop that little bomb of info so maybe she'll just write me off for good. Moving on, I was also so stressed out I couldn't devote time to being a professional reader and healer. Once again, my goals and dreams were put on hold. So this year I'm slowly but surely starting to get back into making those moves and trying to get on with my herbalism studies (I paid $400 almost for this course) and then the husband losing his job derailed so much. I was hoping to get my shop open to at least cover the on going costs of my studies. I assure every fucking one I'm really focused on my own life, my future, the husband's future, out pets, OUR LIVES. Nothing else. But here we are. I'm the one focusing on the past and bringing it up allllll the time when who appeared one day to leave a note on the door? Who brought it all up in the phone conversation the first time? Her friend.

And then as far as why my grandma didn't tell me my grandpa passed... that's because "That I don't know, but I guess she just thinks you don't care anymore." To which I said, and lets be clear, I'm a capricorn and I'm savage as fuck when I'm completely done with someone, "Yea, maybe not about her , but my grandpa? Of course I still care."

Now I am going to dredge up the past right here in this paragraph to illustrate for EVERY FUCKING BODY what I was giving up, what my husband was giving up, how our animals would suffer etc. And tell me if I don't fucking care about my grandpa. My husband and I were living 40-45 minutes away and would have a 40-45 minute drive both ways there and back to get to her house to help out with my grandpa. My husband was working third shift. There'd be times he almost fell asleep driving home and I was so terrified. I'm already terrified of cars and driving and shit after a car ran into the house my mom owned when I was in high school. I've always been afraid of cars and driving, but that sealed the deal there. I digress once more, for the 5 or 6 years now (maybe 4 or 5) that we helped out with my grandpa and were at my grandma's every beck and call WE WERE THE ONLY ONES helping out. My uncle won't do it because "I have too many bad memories in florida" (read also: I have two ex wives who don't even live in that state anymore but I'm gonna be a little bitch about it all.) and my mom... well she's just a cunt and she can't be bothered to do it anyway because she's not on good terms with my grandma. Mind you I've had a life time of my grandma's shit too, but here I am still doing what I'm supposed to do. So the burden of helping with my grandpa falls on me and my husband. We don't have a cheap car. Land Rover's are fuel hogs and its expensive as shit to drive that much. We finally moved north in Florida some and it was closer to my grandparents, but still a good 20 to 30 minute drive both ways. There'd be times she'd call us out in the middle of the night because he fell. There were plenty of times we'd have to stay at her house three to four days a week because she week because she was out running estate sales with her friend (the same one she's been dispatching as her messenger to us). All while my husband is working third shift and we have to be there during the day. Mind you at the time Sparta was still alive and needed medication twice a day or any time her asthma was acting up and here we are not home well 3 - 4 days a week. This goes on this way for years. Plus never mind the fact she's pimping out my husband as a handy man to all her friends and most of the time for free. The time my husband and I had alone together these few years was minimal. When we were alone I was so goddamn agitated and pissy because my grandma made sure to step on every never and do everything that makes my anxiety act up, including not respecting boundaries and not giving me or him space.

Let's jump ahead shall we? So we finally agree to buy a house with her. It's going to be considered us renting from her. Excuse me? We're adults who were getting on just fine. We aren't coming crawling back home all like "Wahhh I fail at being an adult, I can't afford life. Can I live with you again?" No she NEEDED US to pay HER future mortgage because she wouldn't be able to afford it. Still I let it go and I was just reminding myself I'm doing this for my grandpa because at this point she was being awful to him whenever he had an accident and they were always her fault to begin with. I'm not gonna get into it. So, its all going okayish. But then she starts being a bit more shady, a bit more shitty. All the while saying "We all have to agree to get along okay?" Which is code for everyone, but me. YOU all have to put up with my shit and can't ever so much as get mad or there will be consequences, but I can be a royal bitch and cross lines all day every day without any consequences. Mind you, my husband and I are giving up our privacy because she'll just waltz in whenever. We're giving up our way of life. We're very quiet, reserved, introvert people who like space and quiet. Living with her, especially when my even louder uncle and his latest wife will come to visit would cause us A LOT of stress and anxiety on the daily. I'd be giving up paganism and witchcraft. Honestly the only things that have helped me become a better person and even tolerate her for so long and do any of this. But I can't tell anyone that. No. Anyway, our animals would be forced to live in one room with us. All of them/ Because she kept looking at houses that were way too small and couldn't be divided at all. The day everything went to shit we ended up out at the house we were supposed to be looking at that day and she somehow ended up at our house. My aunt dee (her only sister she has left alive or that will still talk to her) was visiting. My grandma called and I was simply explaining the mix up when she got really shitty and I swear I can't replicate the tone she takes with me at these points in times but just imagine really annoyed, very condescending and bitchy. So she says, "Okay Jess. Whatever." AND HUNG THE FUCK UP ON ME. I called back and let her fucking have it. Niki was already pissed because he heard it all and I didn't even have my phone on speaker phone. She said "well just forget about it all then." She's the one who pulled the plug on it all first. The husband and I took the weekend to contemplate and decided we were done with this whole situation, but we would still go and help with my grandpa and continue on as we have been and even help out monetarily since we did commit to this in the first place. She declined and got to the point of yelling. I'd written a script to try and stick to because I knew she would pull some shit and then once she started getting shitty there's no way in all of hell I won't defend myself and I screamed. I LITERALLY screamed at her. And I'm not sorry for it. We were forced into this any damn way.

OH OH! Let's not forget that she was hospitalized because she refused to go to the doctor when she should have and she doesn't follow the rules for her health issue. She called us in the middle of the night. Her friend had to come over too because my grandma was still refusing to let us take her to the hospital. Her friend finally convinced her to let us call an ambulance because she couldn't make it to the car. She was hospitalized for a week+. My husband and I had to stay with my grandpa the entire time. We got a few moments to come out to our house to pick up clothes and check on our pets and more importantly Sparta. Then we ended up driving half way to Pensacola to get her sister so she could help out because we really couldn't keep on this way and this is NOT the first time this whole her being hospitalized for a week and us having to stay with my grandpa has happened. Anyway, my grandpa's nurse moved around her schedule and even probably did some off the clock work to stay with him while we drove to meet my aunt Dee half way. Her husband would drop her off and we'd take her the rest of the way. It was a whole day ordeal.

SO FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM who says I didn't care about my grandpa anymore. I'm not the one who just moved off to arizona with him and didn't tell any goddamn body for half a year. ALL these people can go fuck themselves. I won't even get into how her friend was saying the house would be ours once they both died. No. I was told continuously by my grandma that we'd have to sell it and split the money between us, my uncle and my mom unless we could come up with the money to buy them out. OR that my name is on all her bank stuff and her car, yea, but only for convenience if anything happens as I'm the only one in state, at the time before she moved, who could do handle anything. I DON'T drive. My name being on the title to the car does me no good. Let's stop acting like she was doing me any favors. She didn't even want to handle the bills anymore. Once we all moved in that was going to be on me and my husband so my name was getting added to everything for those reasons alone.

Any mother fucking way... here we are. I'm agitated as shit tonight because I had this fucked up conversation with her friend which was more gaslighting and bullshit and then I was compared to my mom WHICH I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE do that to me. It's clear that after 31 years my grandma still doesn't know who I am as a person despite everything I did for her, despite everything my husband did for her and despite the sacrifices we were making. It's clear her friend doesn't either. I can forgive. I'm not going to forget. I'm allowed not to forget everything my mom and grandma have done to me or put me through. When we forget history it's doomed to repeat itself. I'm simply trying to break a cycle and trying to keep myself safe. I'm trying to heal and move forward. I'm trying to protect myself from more mental and emotional abuse. I'm not out here being bitter, despite the tone of this post which I assure is because of my anxiety and subsequent agitation, or holding onto the past. I've been moving on with my life. I've been doing a lot better since life has been getting back on track. I've been focused on the future, on making sure this Kia stays working until we get the Land Rover fixed and on my own personal endeavors. Not a second thought was given to any of them except my grandma this entire year so far. My grandma and her friends are the one who reappeared and started dredging shit up and causing problems. I assure you I've got them in some damn lies. Actions speak louder than words and I'm simply not here for their bullshit.

If you've gotten this far, I'm mostly really anxious and agitated and in a real bad mood because upon waking up today (which is now yesterday for the majority of people) I had a phone call and a voicemail from my grandma at THE EXACT moment I woke up. I woke up at 7:50 and she called at 7:50 and left a voicemail at 7:51. Thank god for the whole voicemail transcribing situation apple has going on. I didn't have to listen to it. But there's a considerable chunk of it missing because transcribe is still in beta. The husband says to just delete and ignore them from this point forward as does one of my good friends. Another good friend is just sad for me and another is helping me through along with the first aforementioned good friend by telling me she supports me no matter my decision and by telling me her own issues with family she's had to cut off. I don't know what I' going to do, but I promise anyone reading this that I've seen my grandma's face recently on my uncle's facebook when I was investigating when he died (mind you he died in the beginning of 2018 and I didn't find out til July or some such) and I saw photos of her. I don't want to see her face. I can't stand it. If only because I have such an aversion to her. I feel immense anxiety. I feel uncomfortable. It's not because I hate her. I'm near to it, but I still don't in the end. I just simply don't want anymore mental harm and I just don't know why people can't fucking get that and take no for a goddamn answer.

It's officially taken me an hour to type this up. I wanted to be in my altar room before now. I wanted to watched some more Meteor Garden. But, fuck it. Let's listen to the voice mail together journal, shall we? I don't even want to hear her voice, but here we go. It's currently 5:00 am.

Okay that took less than a minute. It wasn't as bad as I feared. Still I didn't want to hear her voice. It definitely had that tone to it. That tone of I'm superior and I did nothing wrong, but I'm going to let you have the opportunity to see me because you need to make amends. I had conditions I set forth with her friend *IF* I agreed to meet with her. If even those can't be respected then it's clear she doesn't "miss us and love us and want to [us]" like her friend's note said. I'm not going to keep feeding her narcissistic, abusive ass cycle. If that dooms me to some awful afterlife so be it.

Anyway, this journal was my once and for all getting it all out so I'm not in some anxiety mind spiral brought on by the gaslighting and lies and bullshit. I'm anxious and agitated yes, but with some breathing exercises and some meditation and a tarot reading I should be better soon enough. Also fuck her friend for giving my grandma my number.

The end.

Edited to add: everything that went down after we said no we weren't going to take on a mortgage for her and move in with her are the consequences for her actions and tough goddamn cookies. Deal with.

Which easier said than done for me. It brings up old patterns and things I said I was absolutely done with. And just like clockwork, cue my grandma trying to make an entrance in my life again. Luckily my mom is hiding in whatever cave she's been dwelling in and isn't coming out any time soon. She probably, and fucking finally, has taken the hint. My grandma on the other hand can't leave well enough alone or accept my decisions. Just as most planets were going retrograde or had already been for a bit and as mercury, everyone's fave (/sarcasm) goes rx, we get this stupid note from one of her friends left on the door. Saying my grandma misses and loves us. That life is too short. Well, where was all this thinking earlier. All I can say is thank goodness I pulled the plug on this bullshit plan. My only real mistake in ALL of this was not saying no from the beginning. None of this will really seem coherent or make sense because I'm leaving so many details out in an effort to not get into the whole thing or put it all out there. Anyhoo, with mercury rx now it's really NOT the time to be getting involved in this shit. Communication is a trick thing during this time and it really doesn't lend itself to walking into a trap and having confrontations with family members. If anything it'll be worse than it already would have been. So, no thanks.

I've had a conversation with her friend and rehashed stuff I only brought up to illustrate how I have doubts and concerns about the sincerity of this, but that point, I think, was missed. For so many reasons, not the least of all of her shady behavior that points directly to her intentions being the exact opposite I'm just not into this whole situation and want no part of it. No, something is up here. Just after I've healed the rifts in my mind and all the guilt.... all the torment... as best I can after what went down last year here she comes again to do more damage. I know it sounds harsh or cruel, but honestly that's all she's up to. There might be good in her, but that's reserved for people who aren't family. Who aren't me or my mom. Either way, my sanity and mental health are so much better when neither of them are in my life. My mom and my grandma are just two people who I need to stay away from because it's nearly impossible to set boundaries with them and I'm over their narcissistic bullshit, their gaslighting and their mental and emotional abuse in the various flavors of the week it comes in. This retrograde and eclipse season is all about saying no and standing behind my choices as well as releasing anything from the past that doesn't serve my spirit or help me grow, but I'm finding it hard to stand up for myself again. Maybe its an authority thing. I've never had my own authority over myself until I might my husband and finally for once got the fuck out of all that nonsense. I've had a hard time figuring out who I am past the protecting myself and just making it through. Beyond the being told who and how to be. So, here I am, needing to say no and stick to this choice, but feeling forced again just like I did when I agreed to this whole house thing and helping take care of my grandpa because she really left me, us, feeling like we couldn't say no. Which is her specialty and how I get dragged right back in.

Sadly, having this other car doesn't do us much good since she sent her friend out here to leave a long, vague note on the door. Now she's aware of this one. No more sneaking about unnoticed. I shoudn't say sneaking. I have a right to take up space in my own goddamn part of the world. Just no more going about unnoticed. So that brings me to the land rover and fixing it sooner than later. I mean restoring this thing was never going to be a fast and cheap process, but when other things break it just sets things back even further. Still, we're hoping to have it repaired and driving next month. What's the point of dealing with this headache of a Kia when we could have the comfort of our early antique Disco? Might as well since there's no skulking about unseen anymore. Speaking of have people sent to do her bidding and dirty work, I'm curious if she's had another friend dispatched to my mom's to leave a similar note or if it's been us. Still, I have to find a diplomatic and very polite way of saying no and standing my ground without it all becoming A Thing. For me that's what this retrograde and eclipse season is about. All of my tarot readings with the various deities I work with have been messages centered around realizing my power and claiming it. Standing up for myself and standing firm. And also about reconnecting and exploring my path once again because I had let go of it. Shoved it deep down and pulled sheets over it. Kept it in the dark gathering cobwebs. There was no being a pagan and a tarot reader if we went through with this whole nonsense assed plan. It honestly felt good to go to a local witchy store and not have to look of my shoulder and wonder if her or any of her friends were around and would see me. Even if her friends were around now she lives all the way on the west coast now so if they did report back to her, tf is she gonna do? Nothing. I didn't have to keep my head down and quickly walk into the witchy shop. It was just nice to be living my life and not worrying; not thinking up cover stories.

Besides those lessons from the Gods this eclipse season is draining me. The exhaustion from it manifests as being too tired all of the time, barely able to keep my eyes open or function along with nightmares and strange dreams nightly which leave me even more exhausted if it's even possible. This is rambling mess of a journal entry and it's probably all over the place, but I blame lack of sleep and this web of nonsense with my grandma. I apologize to anyone reading it. It's mostly for me to get some thoughts out of my head so I can focus on planning the full moon ritual for tomorrow. I'm hopeful that the future will be a lot better than these last two years and that me and the husband can get back to living our lives the way we planned to. that we can get back to making the tiny house and other dreams a reality. We shall see if I can harness this time, work some magick and level up.

For me to edit any photos or even write a post and include the duck and chicken pics or any.... anything that resembles a life update. BUT! I will get to it when things calm down.

I suppose I just have one train of thought rolling around in my mind tonight. One that stayed with me all day.

As much as I hate that the Land Rover is down for the count, that it'll cost $1,200 for a transfer case and that I'm stuck in a low car said low to the ground car does provide one perk. No one can spot us coming a mile away when we find ourselves in my grandma's old community. While they've moved across the country all of her friends remain. They know the Land Rover. Besides it's very identifiable look it's also got it's quirks and shows it's age which makes it even more obvious. So this Kia.... as much of a pain in the ass as it's been helps us blend in. We can venture into that city, into store parking lots and in general skulk around without being noticed by any of them.

It never fails that every time we find ourselves out that way for one reason or another that I mentally, and sometimes verbally, take note of how glad I am that we can go by unnoticed. The only real time I worry about perhaps running into some of her friends is when we have to venture into a store there.

There's the added bonus that my mom, who very much still lives around here... somewhere... maybe not up this far, but certainly around also won't notice this car. Although one time I was sure we saw her outside our walmart. Because EVERYONE comes to this particular walmart up this way. Even with others nearby in their own cities. That day my heart beat wildly in my chest, my voice caught in my throat and all I could manage was "I think that's my mom" to the husband. Who thought it was her too at first. Panic rose and my mouth went dry. My blood burned in my veins and every muscle seemed to tense up to an uncomfortable point. Luckily it wasn't her. I dreaded having to get out of the car and potentially walk past her.

For as tough as I try to be and as much as I wear my anger as a cloak of protection with my family sometimes, even mistakenly, coming face to face with them is enough to send me running, wanting to move far away, change my name and disappear.

At least dA is a safe haven. A place from the past that is still very much me and a place I can come and hide out, under the radar yet still feeling connected to something (and for most of my life growing up it was one of my only connections to the outside world). To a place that's solely mine. Even social media these days... I hate the way the internet has gone. I find myself withdrawing from it even more so because I know my family and my husband's both use social media to some extent. Family friends that would let them know my usernames or point them in my direction in a heartbeat too. And so my name is never my own and my spaces are always private save for a few and even then I don't dare use my face. But dA.... none of them know about it. dA is the underground for me and always will be.

I found myself thinking about how grateful I am for the things that have provided me a cover, the things that shield me, and the ways that, as hard as this year has been, it's been a cleansing, a lesson and perhaps even a test of strength to show me that I'm not everything any of them told me. I've only recently looked in the mirror and not hated my face. I avoided it for a while. Only looking into one when I absolutely needed to. In the end, I may share some of the family features, but like who I am, my looks are entirely different from any of them. The only one with dark hair and dark eyes. I try to see my dad's features in my face. To cling to anything that makes me look different than my mom. The husband tells me regularly that I look more like him anyway. I dunno... I'm just rambling at this point.

I blame Neptune being retrograde. That which we thought we lost will be found again. The connection will be reforged.
I lost my ability to write the way I used to, but I suddenly find it sparking alive again. It'll take some work getting back to that point, but it's been over a decade since I've written. Since I've been able to. I lost my spiritual connection. I mean it stayed around as a dim light under the surface waiting for me to return it. While life hasn't settled down enough for me to devote time to rituals or making offerings at my altar, to doing readings or spellwork like I once did I'm sure it'll get back to the way it used to be in some form soon enough. Neptune's retrograde makes me want to hermit more than ever and I'll do just that. And as always, like the phoenix I'll rise again from the ashes. Sometimes I forget this, even with phoenix tattooed on my arm, but it never leaves me. I will always leave a scorched place where I burned everything to the ground and then burst into flames as I'm reborn. Each time stronger than the last. I'm writing these last few lines if to do nothing else, but remind myself that I will survive the next time we go through a rough time. Not with each other, but with life.

To remind myself that we weathered one of the worst storms and it lasted too many years, but here we are still standing. That I wasn't alone and I won't be. That no matter how much either of our families tried to break us they never really could. That no matter how long it takes I will rebuild my mind and overcome all of their shit. The husband and I both will.

It's just been a hard year, but I think once we get beyond this point and life gets back on track we'll be heading in the direction the universe wants. I can't say I handled last year or this one with the grace and poise I wish I would have, but after everything we've been through I think I've earned the right to just breakdown sometimes. I mean I'm a capricorn. I can handle a lot and you won't even see a flicker of emotion pass through my eyes if I don't want you to, but every so often the wall crumbles and I can't shoulder all the burdens and bullshit from all angles. I think I'm to a point though where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can reflect and find the lessons in all of it. This year was awful, but I think it served to show me... to show us that we're stronger than anyone thought and we will make it through anything. I know this was also a time of the universe/deities that be to sever all the connections to the past in various ways for us. My grandma used to use objects and money as ways to get people to do what she wants (used to... ha! Probably still does, but it's my uncle's problem now). Baubles with strings attached. It's not lost on me that nearly every single phone, watch or other piece of tech she'd ever gotten either us of somehow stopped working or was destroyed. That anything or person that served as some sort of connection was erased from our lives. Even down to jobs. Which... I also think that despite my husband losing his job because of a petty supervisor it was meant to be in order to send him off to the career he's meant to be in and hopefully with a company that appreciates him and his abilities much more. Somehow, I find myself treading an invisible line of figuring out how to truly be me down to every last witchy bone this year. I have bouts of confidence here and there, but I still struggle. It's hard when your entire life has been nothing but your family putting you down and so I don't think I'll ever be successful in the way my capricorn heart desires, but there are certain areas where even they can't dim my shine.

I guess I did have some sort of a life update in me. I'll end things here. Animal chores to be done and life things to be handled. One day at some point I'll make a post with duck and chicken updates, pictures and all the rest of our creatures. I'll have some great things to report. Maybe this post can serve as me closing the chapter on the past.

And... to the one person who is perhaps reading this from the future... don't hold my notes or my conflicting feelings against me. I had a lot to process already let alone stumbling upon your virtual message in a bottle. My mind was splintered and fractured from all the shit my grandma had to say to and at me, from the lies they spread around despite everything we did for them and how much I tried to be the good and dependable one in the family, and to the awful things life threw at us despite everything we'd already been through. I think maybe the purpose in all of it was to give me a distraction. I mean seeing anything from you threw me into the deep end and I had to fight to the surface, but in the end I realize it for what it is now. Something to focus on and get my mind off in another direction. Anyway, I wrote those notes during one of the worst moments of this year. I know they're rambling messes, but I've been dealing with so much and it's all woven together like a web making it hard to untangle or write things in a linear fashion. I also think that the dream was just... me being afraid of losing him suddenly and without warning too. Also, that link to the tarot reading is totally going to be broken. I did in fact change the name of that account.